when we've had enough

I always try and be upbeat, but not today.  Today I have had enough and it doesn't come from just the sensitivity, smell thing, but from all the emotional baggage that goes with it.  I try to keep positive but the brain today doesn't want to be positive, at all.  I am having a really bad emotional day and you know what?  Today, I deserve it. Although, that really pisses me off cause I don't deserve all this bad crap that keeps coming at me.  Brain keeps saying, "you are all alone"  "you have screwed up so bad" "nobody cares"  Which of course I know isn't true at all.  I hate it when brain argues with me.

This is what happened yesterday.  Now I will preface this by saying that I thought I had been doing better emotionally the last couple months. I know I went way out of control when this MCS took over my life.  It was a steep learning curve and perhaps I didn't handle it in the right manner.  But who the hell knows how to handle the fact that everyone's habits were literally killing you.  Do you?  I had tried talking to those around me; then pleaded, begged, cried and I am sure went off a few times.  You would walk into a rehearsal or meet with a family member only to have to leave a couple minutes later because, as brain would say, "they just don't care about you at all" "it is you, you're just crazy" or "no one believes you anyway" and your body would start to shut down. You had not just the physical response, but I can't stress enough, the emotional response.  But about four months ago I figured that my reaction wasn't the best way to go. So I shut up about all the smells around me. I kept going to all my stuff and stayed as long as I could and stopped complaining.

OK a little more background might help. I am in a chorus and on the board of this chorus.  It is one of the last things I have been able to hold onto.  To cope, I would go to rehearsals, I haven't missed one, and sometimes I can stay and sometimes I have to leave.  Now I am finding out that this is actually pissing a few people off.  Now, here is a list of things I have tried to do in order to stay.  I tried sitting in a hallway next to the practice room, I have tried sitting in the entry way by the front door and I tried standing at the outside door.  The later worked great for me but was in the soprano section and they didn't like an alto standing in their section, with the door open, so that didn't last long.  Now think about it, if I am sitting by myself in another room or hall am I really participating?  Do I feel like a member of the chorus? Or do I feel like an outcast, all alone in a group of people?  Isolated and alone.  An emotional wreck.

But until about 3 weeks ago, I would just leave.  It is hard to sing and concentrate when your lungs are filling up with phlegm, you get a severe headache and you head starts spinning.  Who wants to do all that and then have to worry about driving home, if you dared to drive home.  What if you blacked out in the car? I am not that stupid.  That is why I started leaving everywhere after a couple of minutes.  How stupid would it be for me to stay so long that I would risk someone elses life or my life?  I would never put anyone in jeopardy.  These weren't easy decisions for me and if any of my 'friends' would have cared enough to ask I would have told them why.  Instead, they start talking behind my back, complaining and just being stupid and "forgive me for thinking again" but couldn't they just be adults about it and come talk to me?

So back to yesterday.  I got a call from the president of the board, concerned that the stress of being on the board is bad for me.  "Bad for me?" I think, this is the last thing I have left.  I have lost my band, I have lost my church, I have lost my life and the one thing I have left I am going to lose too?  Oh boy.  So we agreed to meet and talk.  At the restaurant she informs me that I have changed, that many of the members of the board feel tension from and around me. That I have made them uncomfortable and they want me out.  "ah...."

The only time I am aware of that I may have been out of line was when one of the other board members was having some medical issues and went off "about people who leave rehearsals early"  and "you need to write better minutes - get a recorder" blah blah blah, I did go off, but immediately stopped and immediately apologized to the her and the board. I knew that, yes, I shouldn't have responded.  But I let it go.  I understood that neither one of us was feeling our best and crap happens.  But evidently this is just giving her fuel for her fodder.

"I have had enough"  "What the hell did I ever do to any of them?"  I suppose they don't understand, that I am over reacting and should just suck it up.  Well guess what honey, this is real. This isn't just an inconvenience or something to suck up.  This is life or death to me.  Oh damn, I am so tired of crying. I just don't understand how petty people can be. How judgmental.  So I now must 'apologize' for my behavior to the board. What BS.  You know, everyone has problems and sometimes that affects all aspects of our lives, but I would hope that people would be understanding and forgiving.  And what happened to helping those in need or when they are at their worst?  Am I supposed to just take and take this emotional roller coaster and suck it up?  Just take verbal abuse because someone doesn't like that I have a medical issue?  I am so sick of feeling bad and putting everyone elses feelings ahead of my own. What about my feelings?  I do have them you know. 

Well I guess when you have some severe medical issues you find out who your friends are.  Ha

Thank you for putting up with my rants and ravings today.  I will get out of this mood now by going and buying a new tree for my yard.  I think I have found one that doesn't bother me and it is far enough away from the house that I hope it works.  If not a couple of nice cactus will do.  Take care.